Political Parody: A Princess Bride and Election 2008

This political season is driving me nuts. Obama is popular and voters apparently think this is a problem, McCain is using a negative campaign to accuse Obama of being too negative, Clinton behaves as if she can still get nominated, and the best political ad so far was created by Paris Hilton.

McCain is somehow still afloat on his platform, firing his shots from a rusting hulk sailing under the name "Fear Terrorism!" scrawled in peeling paint on the stern. It's a sitting duck, you'd think, except that Obama seems to feel that it wouldn't be sporting to return fire and sink the old boat.

So while I wait for Obama's campaign to find their balls (cannon balls, of course...) I thought I'd make a Hilton-esque attempt at whimsical political commentary by bringing "A Princess Bride" into the modern political era.

The Cast
Barack Obama as Westley
John McCain as Vizzini
Hillary Clinton as Buttercup
George W. Bush as Prince Humperdinck
Dick Cheney as Count Rugen (aka The Six-Fingered Man)
Al Gore as Inigo Montoya
and...
Bill Clinton as Fezzik

[note: the quotes were pasted from IMDB and modified as shown via strikeouts]

Scene 1 - earlier this spring at DNC headquarters
Buttercup: Farm Harvard boy, polish my horse's saddle image. I want to see my face shining in it on TV by morning.
Westley: As you wish Not a chance.
Buttercup: Farm Harvard boy, fill these with water money - please.
Westley:  As you wish Not a chance.
Buttercup: Farm Harvard boy... fetch me that pitcher nomination.
Westley:  As you wish Not a chance.

Scene 2 - Flashback: early 2001 in Florida
Count Rugen: You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance environmental responsibility. It's going to get you into trouble someday. [Rugen draws his sword and lunges at Inigo]
Inigo Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father rigged my election. Prepare to die.
Count Rugen: Stop saying that!
Inigo Montoya: [Louder] Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father rigged my election! Prepare to die!
Count Rugen: [Rugen gets his sword knocked away and Inigo slices his cheek] No!
Inigo Montoya: Offer me money a Nobel Prize.
Count Rugen: Yes.
Inigo Montoya: Power Academy Awards, too, promise that! [he slices Rugen's other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and more. Please.
Inigo Montoya: Offer me everything I ask for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want.
Inigo Montoya: I want my father political career back you son of a bitch.

Scene 3 - Flashback: early 2002 in Texas
Prince Humperdinck: Once Guilder Iraq is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines a huge tree oil company] Now where is that secret knot government contract? It's impossible to find...
[he finds it and the tree oil company opens to reveal a hidden passage treasure vault]
Count Rugen: Ah. Are you coming down into the pit to Gitmo? Wesley's A human held without due process got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine waterboard tonight.
Prince Humperdinck: [sincerely] Tyrone Dick, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary 5000th military funeral to plan, my wedding judicial system to arrange, my wife economy to murder and Guilder Iraq to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything shouldn't go hunting with me. 

Scene 4 - present day in Denver
Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
Westley: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp Election Campaign? One, the flame spurt recession - no problem. There's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand sex scandal, which you were Edwards was clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Westley: Rodents Republicans Of Unusual Size Sincerity? I don't think they exist.

Intermission
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?

Inigo Montoya: You know Fezzik, you finally did something right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Scene 5 - summer 2008 town hall meeting
Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Westley: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato Public Schools, Aristotle Artists, Socrates Scientists?
Westley: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.

Westley: I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the Princess Presidency?
Westley: [nods]
Vizzini: To the death?
Westley: [nods]
Vizzini: I accept!

Scene 6 - fall 2008 presidential debates
Westley: All right. Where is the poison fear for America? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink make a stand, and find out who is right elected... and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison fear into his own goblet country or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison fear into his own goblet country, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given optimism. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of me.
Westley: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane uranium comes from Australia Iran, as everyone knows, and Australia Iran is entirely peopled with criminals terrorists, and criminals terrorists are used to having people not trust them, as you our allies are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of you. 
Westley: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait 'til I get going! Now, where was I?
Westley: Australia Iran.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia Iran. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's terrorists' origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of me.
Westley: You're just stalling now the economy.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant big corporate backers, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison fear in your own goblet country, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard conservative moderates, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison fear as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine plan in front of me.
Westley: You're trying to trick me us into giving away something our freedom. It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON FEAR IS!
Westley: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
Vizzini: [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table truth. Westley looks. Vizzini swaps the goblet science with rhetoric]
Westley: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's drink make our stand. Me from my glass position, and you from yours.
Westley, Vizzini: [they drink]
Westley: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses promises when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia the Middle East, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian Republican when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
Vizzini: [Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right]
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup my campaign that was poisoned.
Westley: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder politics of fear.

Epilogue - November 2008 in Arizona
Vizzini: INCONCEIVABLE.